I am fairly new to the practice-which consists mostly of "book practice." I read many books and try daily to incorporate things into my life but do not make the time to meditate regularly. Just following the birth of my 3rd child, I discovered that my husband had an affair. He seemed to have joined me in exploring this life philosophy and making it his own, but clearly lost his way. I am devastated and am trying hard to return to the wisdom of forgiveness and compassion. Many days, this feels impossible. It feels easier to deny that I believe in the dharma and let anger take over. He is very remorseful and has asked for my forgiveness. I am struggling daily to maintain compassion. At times, it feels like this practice is easy when life is good, but feels impossible when life throws the unexpected blow that undoubtedly happen.

I want to maintain this practice but am struggling. Any thoughts?

Hello;

I too am quite new to the practice, and so I don't feel I have the experience or skillfulness to respond to your specific questions. But I did want to send you my good thoughts and wishes to you as you courageously work through this situation. I recall having listened to a very useful and informative podcast on forgiveness, and what it is and isn't, from Noah's Dharma Punx website. Perhaps you might also find it useful:
http://dharmapunx.com/mp3/nl_041805_forgivenessclass1.mp3

Warmly,

Theresa

I've been in your shoes, though I wasn't married, I have been cheated on and it sucks. I can understand exactly how you are feeling and give you my deepest sympathies. But I know you'll be alright, the pain will go away.
Here are my thoughts, take em or leave em.
Forgiveness in this situation is very important. Your husband is obviously hurting because he hurt you out of his own selfish behavior. While you don't have to forgive the act, you need to forgive the man. Talk with him, find what the impulse was - the fear? - the greed? I trust that if you find out why, not only will you be able to forgive, but be able to help him deal with his suffering. It is also very important that you forgive yourself. While that may seem like a strange thing to do in such a situation, it's important you realize that how you are feeling is only human. You need to forgive yourself for reacting with anger. You need to forgive yourself for blaming yourself. Don't take it personally. While I understand while this may make your practice a little more difficult, these are the times when practice is most important, otherwise we will be lost in the suffering. It's called practice for a reason, just because you've accepted the buddhas dharma doesn't mean you are now some deity or higher being. We all struggle with the practice, but thats why we practice - so hopefully some day we won't have to. Don't feel bad that you are struggling with being compassionate towards your husband because of his actions, just be accepting and understanding of these feelings then let them go. I know this is a tough time for you, but remember, this too shall pass.

Much, Much Metta,
-Homer

I am new to practice, too, so I'm no expert. You do what you can at a time like this by trying your best to feel what you're feeling without taking it out on your husband. It's not like you can escape the feelings, right?! Years ago when my now ex-husband had an affair, I couldn't control the rage and despair at all. Having a place to go to meditate with other people could have helped, I think. Do you have a non-book place to go to practice? Maybe you can go and do that for your life and the life of your family. Here is a link from the Marriage Builders website that I think has some of the best advice about coping with infidelity: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html I hope this gives you some help and solace.

I'm sorry you are hurting.
This is no doubt a very hard time for you.
It hurts when someone you love lies to you or fails to keep a promise.
The other posters are on track when they say you can help all this by forgiving of your imperfection, and of his.

What occurs to me is that we don't own people. I find the idea of monogamy an interesting foil to Buddhism, because a true Buddhist is free. That doesn't mean we should disregard the seriousness of our word, our promise, our commitments.

I wish you peace and powerful amazing growth in moving through this leg of your journey. I trust you'll find your way, though it may not be to the destination you imagined you were seeking...

Peace~

pema chodron actually talks about this at length in several of her works:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4slnjvGjP4

of course her and her husband opted not to work things out and she's now a buddhist nun, but im not sure that the difference in circumstance invalidates her approach to a very similar flavor of suffering.

i wish you well on your path of healing and forgiveness - there are few things i can imagine that are more difficult in that regard.